How to be a Gracious Guest Written and Photographed by Jenny Williams
It often happens when you least expect it: the friendly passenger
sitting next to you on the bus invites you home to meet his wife
and children, maybe stay for tea or dinner—a wonderful opportunity
to dive beneath the surface of the culture and learn more about
how local people really live. While being a guest can be nerve-wracking—fraught
with countless ways to make a cultural fumble—if you can
loosen up while respecting local customs, the experience can be
rewarding and enlightening for guest and host alike.
The Basics
Humility is key when you’re a guest, though it can be tricky
in places where guests, particularly foreigners, are treated like
royalty. Just remember to show your appreciation for every kindness
and try not to take advantage of a host’s seemingly limitless
hospitality. Read up on local traditions and taboos and do your
best to abide by them. When in doubt, ask your host—people
are usually more than willing to explain customs and are mostly
forgiving of foreigners who aren’t assumed to know any better.
Widely applicable guidelines include: removing your shoes before
entering a home, washing your hands before and after meals; using
your right hand for greeting people and eating (the left hand
is reserved for toilet functions in many parts of Asia and Africa);
expressing admiration for a host’s home, cooking and family;
and offering small gifts of thanks. While these acts might seem
like routine formalities, blatant disregard will win you few return
invitations.
Making Conversation
After initial small talk, a lull in the conversation is almost
inevitable. Keep up the patter by asking lots of questions and
demonstrating genuine interest in their lives. Good topics: family,
children, careers, music, local food and festivals, movies (particularly
with young people), what you’ve seen so far in their country,
and where you’re going next. Topics such as religion, politics,
and social issues can offer fascinating insights if handled sensitively;
however, without sufficient language skills, misunderstandings
can lead to awkwardness and frustration.
If language gaps are problematic, photos are a great way to build
communication bridges. Come prepared with a few snapshots of your
family, friends, and hometown—sure to spark questions and
comments about the differences between here and there. For those
with a digital display on their camera, flipping through the highlights
of your trip thus far is another good discussion-starter.
Compromising your Comforts
An invitation into someone’s home is an invitation to eat,
sleep, and live like a local. Particularly in developing countries,
this can mean giving up the luxuries we take for granted, even
as budget travelers—luxuries like private rooms, regular
showers, and morning coffee. Meals, for example, are usually served
family style, often with everyone sitting on the floor around
a few communal dishes (this is why washed hands are a necessity!).
Overnighters might be asked to share space with other family members
(typically kids) or sleep on a mattress on the floor. If you need
to use the bathroom and they show you the curtain-shielded hole
behind the house, don’t guffaw and ask where the real toilet
is. I would also recommend packing your own toilet paper if you
haven’t yet mastered the art of cleaning with water; just
remember to throw used paper in the garbage instead of clogging
up the plumbing by flushing it down.
Foreign visitors often become the subject of endless introductions
to friends, neighbors, distant cousins, and inquisitive passersby
who make it their business to stop by and “see the guest.”
These meet-and-greets can be exhausting (aside from making one
feel like a novelty item on display), but it comes with the territory;
if you’re really desperate for some solo time, ask if you
can go for a walk by yourself around the neighborhood. Your host
could probably also use a break, and you’ll get a chance
to work off the pounds that inevitably pile on after being plied
with second helpings three meals a day.
Giving a Hand
In Western cultures, it’s common to help your host with
cooking and cleaning. While such offers are usually appreciated
in non-Western households, they’re rarely granted—and
in some cultures, if you push, it’s downright rude. Be aware
of local customs in this arena before elbowing your way into the
kitchen or busting out the broom.
At the very least, though, it’s good manners to keep your
space tidy—fold your own bed sheets after a night’s
stay, pick up any litter you’ve produced, and try to keep
your bag mostly packed.
Gifts and the Follow-up
If you have been invited into a home for a meal or a night, offering
payment is not only unexpected but potentially offensive. Instead,
treat your host to dinner or drinks, or send a gift later, along
with a note of thanks. Gifts don’t have to be expensive—framed
photographs of you with your host or a portrait of the host’s
family are wonderful keepsakes, and something unique but practical
from your home country such as locally made jam, pottery, or fabric
can be a culturally significant offering. Gifts put together with
care and thoughtfulness are more meaningful than something costly
but impersonal.
If you tell someone you’ll stay in touch, keep your word.
It’s easy to shrug off a casual acquaintance from a village
whose name you’ll forget within the month—but is writing
the occasional letter or email really all that hard?
And of course, if the tables are ever turned, and your former
host becomes your guest, take care to repay them all the generosity
they showed you—and more.
Jenny Williams
is a writer, editor, filmmaker, traveler, and all-around curious
person. She currently works as News Editor for Ethical
Traveler and is always scheming about her next trip abroad.
Check her website at: www.jennydwilliams.com
